Times of crisis : half of divorced
President Bush in the 2004 to Congress presented State of the Union , there is a project is funding 1.5 billion U.S. dollars , advocacy of marriage of the importance , in order to improve the national face of a marriage crisis, including education, counseling, low-income families marriage and quality.
Why is President Bush so valued citizens of marriage ? According to 2001 the nation statistics from , per thousand population , about eight people to get married. Meanwhile, the divorce statistics, each thousands of people of which , there are four divorced. This shows that the United States divorce rate in up to fifty percent . According to the statistics unit forecast in 2004, if 2.3 million pairs of couples married , of which nearly half will end in divorce.
Experts said that since former President Clinton and Lewinsky affair , to the name of singer Britney only lasted one day marriage , from the traditional long suffering Pili litigation to today cheap quick online divorce , one can see "Sacred marriage " of the concept and quality, has been facing a serious impact.
Encouraging phenomenon is that January 2004 's " Time Magazine " published on marriage and sex a series of articles , referring to marriage counseling professional statistics. 1966 , in the marriage counselor an expert is only eighteen hundred who and four years later in 2001, has increased forty-seven thousand people. It is estimated that these experts each of about counseling more than eight hundred sixty-three thousand pairs of couples.
Although the factions of psychological counselors of the theoretical methods are different, but these statistics have shown that : Although husband a busy , wife, lonely unhappy marriages , there are numerous , but they do not want separation. They are willing to re- home. This explains not a happy marriage , there are repair opportunities and methods of .
I therefore invited three couples to of someone who has the identity to talk about their own marriage experiences, and feelings and experience. Also invited the three marriage and family aspects of counselors , from the sources of stress , communication principles, of men and women the role , and reconstruction of the secret four perspectives , about how to improve marriage. They are:
Zhan Wang , Liu Meilin : church pastor , wife , engaged in family counseling and has two girls and one son.
Zhuang Guangzhen : with the government health care programs , child , adolescent and family marriage therapy counseling for years.
Chih-Cheng Chen , Chen Dechun : church pastor , wife , engaged in family counseling , education two sons.
Wang Yue , Hao -tung : of marriage ten year and a half , education of a child .
Xu , Zhuang Weiling : of marriage twenty-three years .
Yuan Zhengqing , Ho the Wen : of marriage Forty years , a son and daughter have been married .
Pressure on the top of the head: inner shadow re-
a music and Hao Tong, kids are one year old , to help them with children grandma grandpa return home , grandparents are not a visa out. At that time a music has been degree, find work , Hao -tung also by a doctor qualifying examination , was at home preparing thesis . the house Take care of cleaning the original is grandpa grandma bear , they go after the Haotong Cheng Tam . Hao Tong tiring is also quite lonely .
Even worse, she found and sometimes a happy home from work do not greet her cry, directly and go to it . She felt no longer be attention and care , was very frustrated, encountered some small things can easily get angry, quarrel . Results noisy again hurt once the feelings of Hao -tung despair to think : "recognize it, the original feeling so good , and now also the result of marriage is too disappointing . " a Music is feeling of home, just like graves .
Xu and Wei Ling is a marriage get along . Wei Ling 's parents the first by a in Taiwan look at visit young couple , the Xu are not used family more than two people. And Wei Ling is the eldest , family relationships very close , parents naturally stand her daughter's point of view, observing their marriage, the conflict started that way .
How to communicate : to like the station junction
Psychologists Zhuang Guangzhen that couples fight is a natural phenomenon, because people are not perfect. Usually give birth to first child , between husband and wife the tension the pressure to gradually increase . Some people say that the kids can avoid the argument , in fact, buried child care, but an escape , to divert attention a way . If you the couple normally pay no attention to to establish good relations , such as children grow up away from home , but spend a higher price to restore the marital relationship .
the conflict Many reasons for , but if summarized one of the reasons , is " couples of each other a hypothetical . " her husband assumed He support the family, has been doing to his family responsibilities. For his wife , but that the husband should meet her emotions, to understand her fantasies, but to help with raising children .
When these assumptions and facts out of time , people from the despair into anger. Although they do not intend to hurt each other , but the heart by the injury, grievances to into angry shouting. Whatever the outcome , is a lose-lose , and a vicious cycle.
Therefore, the Zhuang Guangzhen suggested between husband and wife to learn patience to listen to each other speech. Do not predict , do not interrupt ; response, you can repeat to each other about it, and temporarily made any comment . A lot of misunderstandings , it is because not listening to or predict the other side wanted to say , and , or eager to refute. of communication Principles , to as stand the cross blocks, stop, listen, watch .
In addition , the best fixed- schedule appointments, a month or a week once , whether to eat or watch movies , etc. , can increase feelings. However, this should be by prior arrangement , not a temporary decision. And dating talk about issues, just alone together enjoy a good time .
Liu Meilin wife said that if no time is often a date , you can also take of daily life a moment . She treasured every day and with Mr. time to eat breakfast . They used this time with the reading of passages , and then for our children, for the day in personal prayer . Although not candlelight dinner as romantic , but it is section a separate , quiet together valuable time .
Chen Dechun wife will remind you that between people of communication there are five levels :
The first level is a greeting , such as: "How are you ? " The second level on the mentioned facts, but without comments , for example: "Today was very cold . " to the third level , they begin to express their views : "Today true Cold, this is probably the the past decade coldest year in . "and to the words to add feelings of when to enter the fourth dimension : the " today cold die , I really hate . " Finally, a level, then, for the mentioned inner Feelings , such as: "I'm really scared, worried that " a class of topics.
Basically , the more down level , the more will talk it out . Chen Dechun wife suggested that between husband and wife sometimes, not to enter the fourth dimension , the best sake of discussion . because a Emotional involvement husband and wife may be hard to calmly and carefully talk about things . For example, a child home from school did not immediately do their homework, Mr. and let him play , Mrs. can tell , Mr. : " If you let the children play first , so he had enough , your heart is not easy to calm down , homework in this case can not write well . "Instead of saying : "You are lazy , call your control child regardless of ! "
Criticism is the fuse , because the criticisms are self-centered , feel that others do not . people being criticized After will feel slighted , and self-defense , so that love is reduced. Between husband and wife may suggest , but do not forget proposal to Care .
of men and women The role : as different?
Equal but are different
Generally speaking , men pay more attention to visual stimuli , a woman attention to who for her enthusiastic the people. Men to work in Ability of evaluation self- , a woman has to rely on of love the relationship to maintain self-image . This is why, when the marriage hit the rocks , the women would be more active, positive participation in family talks, or seek counseling.
Zhanhong Mu opinion, men few seek marriage counseling because , first, I am sorry that their family situation, also , that the cause is more important, house disgruntled is small , it does not deal with , over a period of time will be good. There are cultural influences .
China's traditional culture does not encourage men to put too much thought in the family, can maintain a decent the situation enough. And the cause can not be so , but the family can wait. Therefore, men seek family counseling to attitude more passive .
However, due to social changes , women's level of education generally increase capacity gradually by society affirmed . status of women Higher forced man attitude adjustment .
Zhanhong Mu opinion, men and woman the status of , should be equal , there is no conflict , but the roles are different. the roles of Is the difference between of human society, natural the existence phenomena, such as the two brothers play , in order to grab toys and fighting, parents is not because they both have equal status assumed they played to see who win a will come to fight to toy . parents Most of brother said: "You are my brother , how does not love his brother ? " and turned to his brother, said: "He was my brother , how can disrespect my brother ? "
Such advice the child sounds like did not solve the problem , the child may feel , my parents even such a simple question can not solve . Why? Because the brothers Are equal , but they are different. A Early, A Younger , their role is not the same . Similarly, in human society , the roles are different and the of two people nature of life are equal, there is no conflict.
of men and women Life essence are equal. The last man, should not be by for any reason suppressed his wife , unfair to women . But at the same time , today's men and should not be because of education, occupation or salary changes, and have respect for women , because in such a motive , do not really respect women.
a man must From the of love perspective of think , no matter what the decision, to think his wife will think , what kind of feelings, she wishes what , rather than a result of his wife objective as changes in , and increase her value. man's This attitude adjustment is necessary , must also from this point of view be adjusted .
Completely accepted
Jim Pastor , wife in the United States graduate school when the awareness of marriage, Jane wife felt closest , the husband often told her what he was thinking . Whether happy or sad, very frankly .
She is also very grateful for husband of her the care . I remember one time she Mr. Xiang complained about others , sir , and do not criticize her , but with her reading the Bible and explain the Word of God , let her think she is not being mind, was not considered a villain.
Zhan pastor with the United States Lin is trust, respect , and he said: "The United States and Lin know my personality , she was always persuade me. I also found the way she talks , than ever wiser , more sincere. so many years, I Understand her family, I have had significant help, so I accept the speed more quickly . "
Another husband and wife, Yuan Zhengqing uncle , and HE Wenbo mother , but also for study with the university of marriage . Their marriage with the changes in society has become increasingly consolidated. Yuanbo Mu recalls: " in 1968 During the Cultural Revolution , he was counter- charges by schools severely dealt with , by the masses criticism after was captured. then eldest eleven -year-old daughter was six years old. I am a teacher , but was As counter-revolutionary families. Children are also Discrimination , mental under great pressure . so long as hear the open criticism will radio speakers sound of , our whole family for nervous was very .
"Later not evidence to convict him to let him go home. next four years , we often had their homes searched , and he still denounced supervision, labor reform , to do the dirty work to live. our marriage was Severe test strict at the time working propaganda team advised me to divorce him . I did not know you. because I believe he is not a bad person , mind never leaving him the idea of . "
Yuan Bobo was imprisoned , the then leaders and around the people to force the Yuan Bomu report him . Yuan Bomu to write big-character poster , revealed that he overheard the Soviet Union a radio . Yuan Bobo looked posters very angry. He said: " I think my wife should not expose me. And this poster sign out to after the more to someone else reason to force me , fight me. get home , my heart has never forgiven her, and sometimes they take things Repeat it.
" I later realized that her at the time condition , do not expose me is very difficult. this is not her fault , but the prevailing political pressures. she if you do not expose was off them , the children how to do ? When I figured out to not blame her. In fact, she is both my wife , even if she is really doing something wrong , I should forgive her. If I still can not forgive her, that is my love for her is not enough. In particular, believed in the Lord then, should have a sacrificial love. I if this do can not forgive her, to talk about and gave himself love ? "
Yes, real forgiveness , not obliterate the memory , but the real acceptance , no need to talk about conditions.
Reconstruction of the tips : Tango Trilogy
The correct order
Zhanhong Mu division, the United States Lin wife consistent with convinced , from the Bible , " Genesis , "the record shows between people no relationship , than husband and wife closer .
Therefore, of life the order should be God first , spouse second, again is the children. But overall , the difference is no conflict . Because the heart of God, human love and strength to life, and relationships are forever ; for a spouse , only children.
Common Share
Today's mass media such as radio, television, film , constantly rendering single parents, as single women strong . Some popular TV series , again father carved into the arrogant , or lost three forget the four confused people. These the image of are the next generation have a false idea that the parents the feelings of does not need any communication , but also with what does not .
According to psychologists Zhuangguang Zhen the analysis of , parents feeling bad, will bring children a wide range of negative effects:
1 , the lack of security. grow up Although a family , but do not trust anyone.
2, the marriage is not optimistic.
3, young children, will be considered to be their own good, the parents quarrel . If the parents because of quarrel neglect their children , some children will go to do bad things , so that parents attention to himself.
4, marital relations is not good, usually on boys a greater impact . the girl More likely to find the object tell , or by writing, painting relieve . But the boys tend to suppress , in particular to adolescence , in dealing with emotions and relationships , is not correct learning objects , easy to confuse even have the wrong impression , and will not know how to face his wife's emotions.
In general , the child's sense of security establishment of in the family harmony on the . Mother is a son to see the first woman , how she treated her husband to provide his son the future to treat his wife look forward to ; Similarly, the father towards her mother 's attitude , also affected his daughter on men the views of and marriage expectations.
Chen pastor, wife agree, to be raising my child succeed, the best way is by example. In addition to they have to marriage, a happy give children a warm family , the parents take a moment to and children talk about life , faith or morals , or and the whole family sit together talk , you can create a good family atmosphere.
from the heart Start
a happy Believe that marriage the reconstruction of depends on spiritual renewal , that is, change their mind. This change , to of faith rebuild on the basis is possible .
Because the truth is, marriage is two there are disadvantages of people the most recent from exposure to is the human the most original face of , appears in each other front of . Self-centeredness is the an unhappy marriage chief culprit in , only faith can be changed. On the other hand , if there is no faith, life, no goal, in life no direction , there is no mind real peace of , no real luck.
For example, Hao Tong , and she often " motto "in the words of self- reminder: the "wisdom of the woman , an house ; foolish woman , personally destroyed . " When conflict occurs, her with these words to face Yes, to control self tongue .
Wei Ling for frail , often out of the hospital . she said Xu Lixin Lord , learn to take care of her. When she was ill, Xu will , before leaving, left a note at the bedside to remind her not to forget to take medicine, soup. When Wei Ling, the father was ill, Xu the family managed well , to Wei- Ling relieved take care of his father.
Yuan Bobo previously thought , a couple from different families , character, point of view are not the same , bear with me also , but to be patiently endured, is very painful .
Later, he slowly realized that , in order to insist on , we must first its own position put right, not to themselves as the center . He said: " If always see each other this does not there is not good, is to see their great, see each other less to . If I understand his and his wife are being made to know that we both are the same, should each other rely on Relationship. For example, my wife of Wen patience slow , more carefully , I am more rough impatient , and I see her to do things how so slow to angry with her .
"But she doing slow has her reasons for , I do not know her the reasons for to always feel she was wrong. In fact, this is not her right , but I was wrong.
" What's more, his I just call her , we could help her do this time is not on the province out?
"But to do this degree , but had to realize God made her that , you what good intentions ? When I later learned that his quick temper not only interpersonal to go wrong , to the body but also damage . I understand that God wants through Over his wife to help me, altered, my impatient personality. When I realized this, I am willing to gradually change , change not feel pain . "
Couple together To synchronize notes. Families, is couples learn to love and cooperation a basic place.
in the mirror Reflection : the Clouds parties see at
U.S. Lin wife that even if the original marriage motivation for , not love and commitment , as long as willing to repent and remove before the errors state of mind , you can still save the marriage . for marital conflict The common reasons is that they have reserves to pay, have to each other fully cooperate with . If you change this mentality , both sides determined to be a good spouse, fear of God , admit your mistakes , ask God to forgive , can start over , to be a good wife or husband.
Because marriage is God created the most intimate relationship men and women with can experience of life the beauty and wonder . And husband and wife role of the many of the complementary , the husband is the leader, his wife is to be a leader ; wife if a helper , a husband is being helped who , with each other there are interactive relationship . Like the head and body , there should be very clear sense of unity . This is two people through thick and thin , with feelings , mutual trust and depend on each other 's good experiences.
Marriage as marriage and family therapist , Mo Silan was professor (Dr. Ron Moslener) said: "Marriage is a mirror , one can marriage understand their own . you're complaining about the other side of the process, find themselves not how good ; you from enjoy each other's words and deeds , see their own needs. "
